Elections

Alvin Greene Is On The Scene, Wailing.

Posted by Jack Drambus on August 18, 2010 |

Poor ACTUAL CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE YES THE REAL BIG ONE IN DC Alvin Greene. Yes, the media makes fun of him a lot, but it’s all in good fun.  It’s not like he does anything crazier than the usual Senate candidate–it’s just fun to pretend he’s a delusional maniac. Unfortunately, it has gotten to the point where, even when he does something extremely normal, everybody acts as if he’s lost all control of his sanity.

Something normal like “wailing the words ‘no’ and ‘go’” when confronted by a reporter wanting to know whether he is going to drop out of the South Carolina Senate race following his “indictment on a felony charge of obscenity.”

You know, the usual stuff.

Tagged: , , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

Elections

AAALLLLVVVVIIIIINNNNNN…

Posted by Katie Kindelan on August 13, 2010 |

Just when you think South Carolina Senate Democratic candidate Alvin Greene can’t do anything stupider, he goes and does…something stupider.

Yes, the favorite candidate of Democratic party leaders everywhere was indicted today on two charges, including a felony obscenity charge for showing pornography to a student at the University of South Carolina last November.

But have no fear South Carolina Democrats who thought Greene would best represent you hopes, dreams and interests in the hallowed halls of Congress come November, “Turtle” is not going away.

Greene evidently found the one person in South Carolina less eloquent than him and smartly grabbed her as his spokeswoman.

On Thursday, after Greene gave a 23-second speech to South Carolina Dems, his new aide, Georgean McConnell, rose to say…”I didn’t want him to get into no debates tonight or anything…” and then finished with these stirring words:

“So I think, in a very short time, you’re going to be seeing a very different Alvin Greene.”

Like a phoenix from the ashes…

In the interest of good reporting, however, we must point out that Ms. McConnell is employed by as a “global music ambassador” (No, we’re not sure either.) at…the University of South Carolina.

Really, Alvin, how different?

Tagged: , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

Elections

Alvin Greene Goes on the Attack

Posted by Jack Drambus on August 4, 2010 |

Someone on South Carolina Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene’s campaign staff has apparently decided to splurge and get themselves a copy of Windows Movie Maker (and a computer), because the Greene campaign has finally released its first attack ad against his opponent Jim DeMint.

As expected, it is spectacular.

Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

Elections

Alvin Greene Knows Your Secrets

Posted by Jack Drambus on July 30, 2010 |

Alvin Greene is saving America’s precious secrets one at a time. How, you ask?

Mostly by getting discharged from the military so that he no longer has access to military secrets that he can not be trusted to keep due to his massive, crippling incompetence.

While the “decent person” Green apparently earned the high praise that he is “usually capable of handling mundane tasks with supervision” as long as he had a “daily to-do list” written for him, he unfortunately had the tiny problem of being a “threat to others because of his inability to grasp the basics of military training.”

I doubt this will be a problem if Greene wins a Senate seat. He should be fine as long as no one lets him get too close to the scissors.

ALVIN GREENE ’12.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

Elections

Alvin Greene Is On The News and Stuff

Posted by Jack Drambus on July 27, 2010 |

In what is the least surprising news of the election cycle (at least based on the extremely scientific analysis of counting posts here at District File), ACTUAL CANDIDATE FOR UNITED STATES SENATE, YES, THE REAL BIG SENATE HERE IN D.C. ALVIN GREENE has had “the most national media coverage of any candidate running this year.”

Some people might say that all this obsessive coverage of Greene is not justified. Not us.  After all, Alvin Greene is on the scene.


Tagged: , , , , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

Total Idiocy

Alvin Greene Is On The Scene

Posted by Jack Drambus on July 23, 2010 |

Some things are simply too amazing to be put into words. Alvin Greene’s new campaign rap video, “Alvin Greene Is On The Scene,” is one of those things.

The video, which is apparently shot, produced, and edited by Greene himself (with help on the camera from “Dad”), is unquestionably the greatest thing ever put on YouTube.

Some of the video’s highlights:

-Alvin Greene “didn’t show a porno to college chicks!”

-Alvin Greene is “gonna give lots of money to the schools and stuff!”

-“Real family values are rad!”

-Shots of LeBron James dunking a basketball!

-“Don’t listen to the folks that make fun of his voice!”

Just watch it. Now: “Alvin Greene Is On The Scene”

Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

2 comments

Share |

Total Idiocy

Alvin Greene Exposes Himself (Politically)

Posted by Jack Drambus on July 19, 2010 |

Last time we saw Alvin Greene, the South Carolina Democrats’ ACTUAL NOMINEE FOR SENATE AND (PROBABLY) NOT SOME KIND OF AWESOME PRANK OF DEMOCRACY, he was proving his status as a “true American” by not murdering 13 people on a military base.  Despite this status as a real American hero, however, Greene remained in his house, unconvinced that the outside world was ready to be exposed to his BLINDING RAYS OF HEROIC GENIUS (though he has allegedly offered to show them to at least one college student).

Well it appears that Alvin Greene has finally deemed us WORTHY OF HIS PRESENCE, as he gave his first public speech yesterday at a South Carolina NAACP meeting.

He did not disappoint.

If you combined the oratory skills of Barack Obama, Abraham Lincoln, and John F. Kennedy and then threw that mixture out and gave an incredibly uncomfortable eight year old a book of political talking point Mad Libs (copyright Sarah Palin 2012, Inc.), you would get Alvin Greene’s speech.

Oh, and it was written (double spaced, of course) on a sheet of loose leaf paper.  Probably not in crayon, but we can’t rule it out.

Needless to say, VOTE ALVIN GREENE ’12. Please. Do it for our sake. This is just too much fun.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

Total Idiocy

Alvin Greene: True American

Posted by Jack Drambus on July 13, 2010 |

 

Making fun of Alvin Greene is easy. Incredibly easy.  Every single update here could (and, for entertainment’s sake, probably should) be centered around the antics of our country’s favorite political savant and the astonishing fact that THIS MAN IS ACTUALLY A MAJOR PARTY’S NOMINEE FOR SENATE (YES, THAT SENATE, THE BIG ONE HERE IN DC) AND (PROBABLY) NOT SOME KIND OF INCREDIBLY AWESOME PRANK OF DEMOCRACY.

That said, it’s time to focus on the fact that THIS MAN IS ACTUALLY A MAJOR PARTY’S NOMINEE FOR SENATE AND (PROBABLY) NOT SOME KIND OF INCREDIBLY AWESOME PRANK OF DEMOCRACY.

In a recent discussion apparently centered around his lack of credentials, Greene helpfully pointed out that the Army discriminated against him, as it never promoted him to the same level reached by the eventual Ft. Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, despite Greene’s admirable achievement of not murdering 13 people.  Greene further noted that while Hasan was “Middle Eastern and had terrorist ties,” Greene himself is a “true American.”

While it remains unclear exactly how Greene’s belief in setting an astonishingly low bar for military promotions proves his claims of discrimination, it’s pretty clear he has stumbled upon a campaign slogan destined to lead him to victory in November. VOTE ALVIN GREENE ’10: AT LEAST HE HASN’T KILLED 13 PEOPLE.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,

0 comments

Share |

  • RSS
  • Atom
  • rdf