And the Oscar Goes To…

Take it from Rep. Peter King (R-NY),  when fiery New York Representative Anthony Weiner (D-Acting School) tells you to sit, you sit. The Congressman, henceforth known as the Chuck Norris of politics, delivered a pitch-perfect performance on the House floor late last night to slam House Republicans for using a procedural move by Democrats as cover to block a bill that would have provided free health care to rescue personnel sickened by toxins during the 9/11 recovery efforts.  Weiner’s district includes many of those affected by the attacks and he was, um, not happy about this turn of events.  His performance was the stuff of legends - finger pointing, dramatic pauses, fist pumping, banging and, of course, the classic slamming of the microphone before the great stomp-off.  And, just like the pro he is, Weiner knew to stand directly on the “X” so that CSPAN cameras could capture every second.  Goodbye Rockaway, hello Broadway.

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Snooki Meet Boehner, Boehner Meet Snooki: Neither Have Ever Met a Tan They Didn’t Like

As they say in politics, timing is everything.  Just as he launches his oh-so subtle and “quiet” campaign to become Speaker of the House, Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), seems to have found a friend in reality star du-jour, Snooki.  Turns out America’s favorite guidette, and star of MTV reality show ”The Jersey Shore,”  is just as fired up as the perpetually tan Republican leader about the 10 percent tax on indoor tanning beds implemented by President Obama and the Democratic-led Congress to fund their crazy health care plan.  We all remember the fiery tweets and angry press releases issued by the Minority Leader’s office when it was scandalously revealed that the tax would, gasp, provide $2.7 billion more for health care coverage while also discouraging an unhealthy little habit known to cause, um, CANCER.  Well, with no time for press releases herself, Snooki took to the airwaves in last night’s season two premier of her hit show to side with the man destined to be Speaker.  Here’s what the 4-ft “star” had to say as she was spray tanned in the face by her boyfriend: “I don’t go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning. Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan. Obama doesn’t have that problem. Obviously.” So ‘obviously’ if the Minority Leader wants to snag her for use in his “presidential-level brochures and fundraising materials,” he better act fast.  Close on his heels is, of course, the ever-spry Senator from the great state of Arizona, John McCain, who got a shout-out AND has already told  Snooki via Twitter that if he were president, “u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama’s tax/spend policy is quite The Situation.”  Boehner v. McCain for Snooki’s nod, yes, this could become quite “The Situation.”

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Those Crazy Internets

In these toughest of economic times, with the ‘Average Joes’ among us hit the hardest, we can all take comfort in knowing our politicians are just like us.  No, they’re not affected by the staffers bowing at their feet, the lobbyists paying their bills or the 20-year old interns honored to fetch their lunch and sort their mail.  Nope, they keep their pulse on the heartland, folks.  We all remember Alaska’s favorite ex-Senator Ted who explained to us common folk how his staff had told him how that “series of tubes,” or “the Internets,” really worked.  And then there was Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, an average guy, who knows about ATMs or, in his world, “the holograms,” but, well just doesn’t need money, evidently.  “I mean, I’m not without some skills.  I just haven’t had the need to use an ATM,” he said.  Right, we have interns for those details too.  And just this week, Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.), the chairman, yes CHAIRMAN, of the Senate committee assigned to oversee things like, um, technology, worried that an online retailer could “record every you purchase” and “these machines, as I call them, are storing all of this information about you.”  Uh-oh, maybe it’ll turn into some unforeseen, worst-case scenario like, um, Amazon or .  And maybe those machines will be like, um, computers.  Run Senator, run!

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Lee Boyd Malvo Breaks Journalistic Ground

DC Sniper Lee Boyd Malvo wanted to get his story out. Apparently his 2002 killing spree with John Allen Muhammad was supposed to include two more people, but they “ended up backing out.”

This is news. News was reported. Everything is normal. The earth is still spinning

William Shatner reported it.

Shit.


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Alvin Greene Knows Your Secrets

Alvin Greene is saving America’s precious secrets one at a time. How, you ask?

Mostly by getting discharged from the military so that he no longer has access to military secrets that he can not be trusted to keep due to his massive, crippling incompetence.

While the “decent person” Green apparently earned the high praise that he is “usually capable of handling mundane tasks with supervision” as long as he had a “daily ” written for him, he unfortunately had the tiny problem of being a “threat to others because of his inability to grasp the basics of military training.”

I doubt this will be a problem if Greene wins a Senate seat. He should be fine as long as no one lets him get too close to the scissors.

ALVIN GREENE ’12.

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He’s Back

 

Republicans have high hopes for the 2010 elections. President Obama’s approval ratings are sinking, the economy has yet to recover from the recession, things that are not water are spilling into large bodies of water, and people have, for the most part, forgotten that George W. Bush ever existed.

Unfortunately, demonstrating the impeccable timing for which he was once known and loved, George W. Bush has decided to release a this fall with the primary goal of reminding the world of his Freedom-loving, brush clearing existence.

Shockingly, many Republican candidates seem to think this is a bad idea.

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Idealist.org: “A Sinking Ship”

Their words not ours.  Apparently, Idealist.org, the popular non-profit job board is facing another cash crunch.

In January they sent out an urgent S.O.S. to their members and managed to raise nearly $225,000 despite grim predictions from members that Idealist.org was a “sinking ship.”

Well the ship must have taken some serious cannon ball fire in the past 6 months, because executive director, Ami Dar, is back at it again as they try to reach their goal of $500,000!

Fortunately for everyone the job board at DistrictFile is free.

Our prediction is that the folks at Idealist.org will be singing the same tune as Dido (I will go down with this ship…)  within the next year.

Dear XXXX,

Earlier this year we sent you an urgent appeal to help save
Idealist.org. The response to that request was wonderful. It allowed
us to get through the last six months, and it gave us some breathing
room to reorganize and to make sure that our current programs can be
sustained into the future.

So where are we now? Almost there. Idealist is serving more people
than ever, and our budget for 2011 – after some deep cuts – looks
balanced and healthy. But to get through 2010 we need one more push.
Specifically, if we can meet the goal on that “thermometer” at the top
of Idealist.org, all of our current programs will be on a fully
sustainable path.

And here is where we need your help. When I wrote you last time, many
people responded generously, but others made two valid points. First,
some people said they didn’t want to contribute to a “sinking ship.”
Others felt that giving $20 or $30 couldn’t possibly make a difference.

But it did: 7,500 donations, averaging just $30, helped us right this
ship. And now, if you are in a position to make a donation of any
size, you can help get us to where we need to be. All we need is for
one out of 50 people reading this email to do this. Will you be that
person? It only takes a moment at:

In addition to those two reasons, some people told us later that they
meant to contribute but they never got to it. I can be the biggest
procrastinator in the world, so this one resonated with me.

But if over the past 15 years Idealist has helped you or a friend find
a job, an internship or a volunteer opportunity; connect with a
person, an idea or a resource; or just feel inspired for a moment,
please take a minute to give us this one last push.

Thanks in advance! I so appreciate this.

Ami Dar
Executive Director

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Jeffrey Lord is the Incompetent Grammar Police

Former Reagan administration official Jeffrey Lord understands the importance of language.  He can tell, for example, that Shirley Sherrod is a racey race-baiting race racist because she said that her relative was “lynched,” when in reality he was only BEATEN TO DEATH BY A BLACKJACK.

This obviously makes Sherrod a lying racist with a particularly morbid vote-getting strategy, because, according to Lord, she “knew the truth and chose to embellish it, changing a brutal and fatal beating to a lynching.”  HOW HORRIBLE. Lord makes a valid point.

Except–wait–no he doesn’t.  Even Lord’s colleagues at the felt the need to point out his extreme dickishness, as “lynching is an extrajudicial murder by a mob, whether or not the weapon of choice is a rope.”  Oops.  Never mind.


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Contractor David H. Brooks Saves America

 

Though America still has its defenders, it has become harder and harder to ignore our country’s obvious decline.  All too often, our once displays its tragic willingness to discard the values that took it to the top.

The recent beginning of a fraud trial against military body armor contractor David H. Brooks is one such case.

Prosecutors are attempting to charge Mr. Brooks with fraud just because he used money from Pentagon contracts to buy “gifts for his family, including pornographic videos for his son, plastic surgery for his wife…, country club memberships, stable of racehorses.

In other words, while we once celebrated all the things that made our nation SPECIAL AND GREAT AND ASS-KICKINGLY AWESOME, we are now apparently willing to punish a man for THE EXACT SAME THINGS.  What has this world come to?


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